Happy Meals are not always cheerful as they claim to be

The off-model toys in question

My, how small children are idiots. At the age of five, I debatably had more than my recommended intake of television. Thus, I was exposed to a large amount of advertising. During a bout of mindless Saturday morning children’s programming, a series of loud, drug-crazed commercials filled the low-resolution screen. One of those commercials was for the McDonald’s Happy Meal, advertising free dolls of various Disney characters with the purchase of a children’s meal. Seeing as I had started to have an uncontrollable lust for a free Mickey Mouse plush toy, I begged my parents to take me to a McDonald’s restaurant at once in order to gain the toy that had to be mine. In order to quiet the whining child, my parents drove to McDonalds to retrieve the toy.

Upon arrival, a Happy Meal was ordered, and I received some sort of plastic figure of a demonic fast food clown. I was understandably upset about not receiving my toy rodent, so my father inquired with the minimum-wage lackey at the counter if a substitution could be made, only to be told that the new wave of toys had not yet arrived in the area. Much to my dismay, we went back to the restaurant a few days later, only to be told that they were sold out of ol’ Mickey. To this day, I have still not gotten the toy.

This tear-jerking experience taught me not be believe advertising and to read fine print on specified dates. In addition, whining will almost always cause others to at least attempt to get one what they wish, especially if you are a small child. However, this tactic will generally have one smacked viciously later in life.

"Expect the unexpected": Logical fallacy?

Oh my...

Recently, I have completed many projects for the school that is known as, Ridgemont High. One of the most prominent classes in terms of projects would be English II Honors, otherwise known as English Honors II or Honors English II. A project that I recently completed would happen to be a Bucket List, listing various absurd activities that I would like to complete before I brutally thrash a piece of janitorial equipment, like Morgan Freeman. I fulfilled a wonderful piece of work, that is worthy of the highest marks possible in every sense. However, Ms. Lane did not appear to think this was so. Despite my greatness, I received a lowly 93 on the assignment! This seems like a grade deserved by someone in Ms. Lane’s 6^th period class.

My expectations of an assessment for this assignment were indeed high, like the majority of the world’s population. However, my expectations are apparently irrelevant and were crushed like a piece of lint. However, this traumatic experience was not all bad, to some extent. I learned an important life lesson; never have expectations, especially pertaining to things that exist. However, this can all be easily reversed. An easy grade change, preferably an increase of seven points or more, would undo any and all harm that has been caused.

The low-cost dessert is mightier than the sword

If that is not an first-rate aphorism, I do not know what is.

Besides serving delicious rice and raw hazardous meat, Chinese restaurants typically give away fortune cookies to paying customers. This is both to cover up the outrageous price on the bill and to offer a generic little piece of advice to those lucky enough not to swallow or choke on the small piece of parchment. In my food travels, I have obtained and guzzled many of these papers. Despite this, there are many that stand out in my mind as bits of guidance that could not just benefit me, but many others as well. 

The bits of advice that I have run into include various aphorisms such as “A good deed will make you feel good.” Now, I have taken this advice to heart; why just last week I refrained from causing physical harm to anyone, although mental and verbal destruction were perfectly acceptable. This didn’t just make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, although this may have actually been caused by my red thermal underwear, it gave me a new outlook on life itself; give the other fellow a break, even if he is incompetent. In addition, I received a “fortune” that read “Focus on the color purple this week will bring you luck”. This one is self explanatory; I did so and survived the week without any form of death befalling myself. This taught me to focus indefinitely one something so ridiculously insignificant and reap the rewards that follow.

Crime is easier than criminals make it seem

This menacing sign did not happen to detur me.

Walmart, formerly known as Wal-Mart, is a horrifying place. Security guards and cameras are posted at every corner in an effort to tarnish the plans of well-meaning, experienced shoplifters from thieving crock pots, Dumb and Dumber Blu-ray discs, or reusable licensed infant diapers. However, this was not enough to thwart the unintentional efforts of a 6-year old Anthony. While my mother was purchasing groceries and other unnecessary objects, I gazed at the items placed within child’s eye view at the register. Among other things, plastic candy mobile phones and novelty writing utensils were abundant. However, for some strange reason, the magazine publications were what caught my eye. I did not seem to care for the celebrity tabloids or obscene images featuring a rabbit mascot, the toddler fodder periodicals interested me, the particular name of which I cannot recall. Despite my undying brilliance, even at the time, I did not know better than to think, for some peculiar reason, that these pieces of paper that cost mere pennies to produce and were filled with advertising did not cost a cent. Thus, I grabbed the magazine, and with it in plain view, waltzed out of the store. My mother noticed nothing, the employees noticed nothing, and I didn’t have a clue of the heinous crime I had just unwittingly committed, which I walked away from without a scratch.

Of course, there are multiple lessons to be learned from this episode. If one is going to steal something from a public retailer, do not bother being discrete with it; don’t stick that package of delicious smoked hot dog wieners in your hat, just carry them on out as if you rightfully purchased them. Also, for righteous citizens, always check for a price tag before leaving with something, as the guilt may drive you to the brink of insanity, like me.

Killing two birds with one stone is still murder

(title credit Austin Blake)



The inoccent live that was stripped away

 As one would be able to tell from my frenzied driving skills, I have just recently become accustomed to operating motor vehicles, that is, within the past year. Unlike most, I tend to make an attempt at carefulness when behind the wheel, with the benefit of myself in mind of course. At a time that was debatably not too long ago, I was driving down a neighborhood highway, if you will, minding my own business as many people should in their everyday lives, like school administration or law enforcement officials. Now, as I was driving, I happened to spot a small, moving, furry creature in the path ahead of me; a squirrel. However, it was too late to stop. As I drove directly over the helpless mammal. I felt the car go over a small “bump”, somewhat similar to what is heard when Gandalf enters a room in place of The Cat in the Hat. I had half a mind to stop the car, briefly exit, and inquire if the squirrel was okay; if his tiny heart was still at work, maybe summon some help for this fallen ally. However, I was advised against it, and continued on my way to purchase supplies for a magnificent English project.


I did not know that squirrel personally, but for some reason, I get the impression that he was someone that had importance somewhere, whether he was CEO of an Acorn Butter Company, a humorous GEICO commercial actor, or a simple family man. Although I do not believe he knew me either, he taught me a very important lesson that day; life is fickle; do what you want or need to do as soon as possible, if needed. One moment you could be enjoying a delicious peanut, playing a banjo by the old forest fire, and the next you could be a manslaughter victim caused by the greatest “mortal” whom has ever decided to benefit all by gracing the Earth’s surface. Small rodents in particular take note; live life to the fullest, to a certain extent, or do not dwell on public streets.

Conniving Candy Clutter Coadjutant



It worked on me.

As for the third and thankfully last “teacher” that has greatly influenced my life, I would choose none other than the individual whom decided aid me yesterday, since I am completely washed out of decent ideas. After my beaten-up box of fundraiser candy toppled to the ground, some sort of stranger darted out of nowhere and helped me pick up the delicious artery-clogging sweets. This gives me hope in the “kindness” of strangers, although I am quite sure that he only did this with the thought of a free candy bar in return for his service. Either way, that’s some good service.

Take with a Lane of salt



This is just one of the numerous
items I have come to appreciate thanks
to Ms. Lane.

 Oddly enough, more humans seem to have influenced my life, hopefully positively. Another would just so happen to be the one, the only, Ms. Lane. It is fairly common knowledge that Ms. Lane has greatly influenced everyone she has encountered, from coatless, lethargic bums to esteemed sports athletes. However, I also plummet somewhere into this equation. Besides being the greatest English teacher of all time according to a survey conducted by readers of NewsTeach and teaching about the impeccable Brady, Ms. Lane has informed me of the importance of dependent clauses, Morrie Schwartz, the English language, buckets, poetry, Aragorn Elessar, persuasive writing, alchemy, Hershey’s Special Dark Mildly Sweet Chocolate, Dr. Seuss, and the Steelers. This is not even a complete list of the impeccable knowledge that I have gained from Ms. Lane, but a miniscule portion, nay, an entire list would constitute an entire project, which I would of course easily ace. I would not have much of an appreciation for English or anything on earth for that matter without Ms. Lane.